Mary cares for her aging father. They live in the same city. She works full-time. When she called the Family Caregivers of BC for some caregiver support, she summarized how difficult it can be for a caregiver and the care recipient to face facts about care.
“We had the agonizing and awkward discussions about the “elephant in the room” – the fact that my dad’s health was failing, and he needs more than I can provide. Truth be told, I’m feeling more overwhelmed and stressed because I now realize the extent of the issues.”
In Mary’s case, when she and her dad put their boxing gloves down, they both admitted her dad’s health was much worse and that he faced both financial and housing issues. It was the first time Mary fully realized the serious nature of her Dad’s chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (in fact, she had to look up its meaning) and his diabetes.
Her dad also admitted he hadn’t done any upkeep to the family home for at least five years and was too exhausted to start now. Financially, Mary’s dad had recently suffered a loss with a few investments that were going to help pay for his long-term care.
Once the discovery is made that more support is needed, the following question from family caregivers is often, “So, what’s next?”
Mary and her dad’s “what’s next” is to take stock of what’s working and what’s not with the current situation, including:
- Medical and health issues, i.e., diabetes, high blood pressure, breathing problems;
- The ability to independently perform the basic activities of daily living such as dressing, bathing, meal preparation, medication management, ability to drive or get around town, etc.;
- Living arrangements, social network and activities;
- Formal services being accessed, if any;
- Who else is helping, i.e., children, neighbours, parish, friends, and;
- Financial situation and the ability to pay for services.
HELP DETERMINE “WHAT’S NEXT” WITH THIS VISUAL AID
Many families find it helpful to use a visual aid. Divide a piece of paper with two columns and write a list of what’s currently working in one column and a list of problems or anticipated issues in the other column.
Prioritize the challenges and problems. In Mary’s case, she and her Dad felt their first priority was to better understand his health issues and options for treatment. Close behind was to openly discuss finances as it related to future health care costs. Mary travels south for six months of the year and she and her dad needed to talk about starting the intake process with publicly funded home support and who was going to help while she was away, and if there was money for private care and services, if needed.
Both of them were reluctant to talk about the house. So, they didn’t. But they will. Prioritizing the issues at hand and having a game plan gives Mary and her dad more peace of mind and some clear direction going forward.
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Wendy Johnstone is a Gerontologist and a consultant with Family Caregivers of British Columbia in Victoria, BC.