THRIVE BEYOND 55: DECEMBER

At a recent workshop, I was asked the question, “When were you the happiest?”
As I cast back over my life, up from my subconscious bubbled the surprising answer, “Now!”
As I’ve pondered that response, I realize that happiness has always lurked out of reach – something that either occurred fleetingly in my past, regarded with nostalgia and regret for its brevity, or something still in my future and not yet attainable, provoking a sharp yearning.
Rarely has it occurred to me that happiness was present and upon me in the moment in which I looked for it.
Some say happiness is an illusion; yet a great deal is made of its pursuit.
I realized through this exercise and the subsequent inquiry that I have spent a lifetime seeking permission to be happy.
When I’m in another person’s presence, I automatically take the temperature of their mood, gauging to what degree happiness is present and then I adjust my own emotions accordingly.
I recognize the process as a need to feel safe. If I feel someone could be disappointed or intimidated by my happiness, I squelch it.
Unhappiness is the shield behind which I hide to appear smaller, to avoid uncomfortable scrutiny.
Happy emotions feel like points of vulnerability. Places and moments where I could be exposed to attack.
My inner dialogue, if turned into sentences would mirror these sentiments:

• “Don’t be too happy or bad things will happen.”
• “If you’re happy and then things don’t turn out well, won’t you look stupid?”
• “Who are you to be happy when others are suffering?”
  With my acknowledgement that I am happy now, my happiness martyrdom is over.
  As I come to the end of 2021 and look forward to emerging from a pandemic that has caused immense global upheaval, the navigation of life has given me an insightful look at who I am and how I want to show up in the future. At times it’s been a painful uncovering and releasing of beliefs that no longer serve me.
  In the aftermath I, as a human/spirit being, am emerging, changed. I feel I am more patient and compassionate with myself and others, more peaceful, more balanced, and – yes, happier.
  Circumstances are what they are. They come and go. Up and down. Helpful and unhelpful. For me, navigating through life’s challenges with a sense of peace and calm, equates to happiness.
  If I get thrown off kilter by some situation, I feel I have a larger repertoire of self-care tools to help me get through the experience until I find my balance again.
  In a recent televised interview given after six years of self-imposed exile from the public spotlight, singer/songwriter Adele was asked to reveal her No. 1 desire. She replied, “Peace of mind.”
  While that answer may have sounded pedestrian to some, it spoke to me of someone who has drilled to the depths to find the treasure within.
  After a lifetime of holding happiness at bay, it’s not easy to make bedfellows with it. Each day is a step closer.
  For those who feel uncomfortable or triggered by the word “happy,” “peace of mind” holds similar energy, without the baggage.
  I often substitute other words like — content, relaxed, relief, ease, flow, quiet, serenity, balance, harmony. These words help me say “happy” in a softer way.
  This is the time to rise as individuals to be our best selves, and to rise as a collective, to surround and uplift each other.
  Whatever situation you may be navigating in your life, may happiness find you. And may difficult circumstances be soothed by relief and support.
  I wish each of you a peace-filled closure to 2021 and gracious blessings for 2022.

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