Most children go through a phase where their favourite word is No. That’s because No is a power word. It gives us a definite sense of self. As adults, saying No is an ideal opportunity to evaluate our priorities and keep our values front and centre.
In caregiving, saying No can often be extremely difficult. Not saying it, however, can overwhelm family caregivers with too much to do and not enough time. Saying Yes more than No can lead to decreased quality time with oneself or family, and a negative impact on health and stress levels.
As a family caregiver, it’s important to know you have a right to say No, especially when:
- You are stressed or overwhelmed
- You are already doing too much
- You are tired or sick
- It’s someone else’s responsibility
- It takes away from your values and wishes
- You need and deserve time to yourself
Understanding the beliefs caregivers attach to saying No is key. As a caregiver, try answering the questions: “People who say No are _.” and “People who don’t say No are _. This can bring clarity to your own personal belief system.
Another helpful exercise is to write down whatever pops into your head when you ask yourself, “What in my life do I need to say No to? Then ask yourself (and write down your answers), “What currently stops me from saying No to these things? Bringing awareness to the “whys” behind our actions illuminates where we may want to make changes.
Wanting things to be different is a great first step. Understanding you can’t change everything at once is also a realistic expectation, too!
Manage Guilt: As you learn to say No more often, you’ll probably feel more guilt! Guess what, that’s a good thing (assuming it’s not genuine guilt that requires you to take corrective action). This guilt is a sign that you’re making important, positive changes in your life. It should leave you feeling strong (even if there is some guilt).
One Size Does Not Fit All: Every answer you give to a situation depends on the relative importance, people affected, what’s going on in your life at the time, the person asking, your history with them, etc.
Change Gradually: If you are generally a Yes person, you may want to gradually become a person who says No. Take your time and practice on small things, working up to larger No’s.
Practice: Imagine you’re someone who is already comfortable saying No, and mentally rehearse difficult situations. You can also role-play with someone you trust.
If you are a caregiver and want some support in learning to say No or to explore how you can bring new action into your roles, call our Caregiver Support Line any time at 1-877-520-3267, and our trained caregiver staff will support you one on one.
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Wendy Johnstone is a Gerontologist and a consultant with Family Caregivers of British Columbia in Victoria, BC.