When Annie met Richard two years ago while cycling on the Lochside Trail, she hoped she had found a cycling buddy and maybe a new friend.
In the late afternoon of their lives, neither of them had anticipated falling in love. Yet they found they shared values and interests, and a love of adventure. Their intimacy grew, as did their level of commitment to each other. They both wanted a monogamous, comfortable partnership, but they also wanted something more romantic, more fun, and less like marriage or living together. They wanted a relationship that was without the stress of sharing humdrum daily routines of housework, the compromise of what time to go to bed or who would do what, or the need to change their settled ways.
Having been married before, they both knew relationships are easier and less fraught with tension when they don’t have to adjust to one other’s lifestyles.
They struck a balance by each keeping their own homes. Annie lives in the Rockland neighbourhood of Victoria in an airy patio suite in an historic Manor House filled with shelves spilling over with books, colourful folk art and mementoes of her work and travels.
Richard, a widower, lives 20-minutes away in a country-like setting, where a rooster wakes him in the morning and horses graze in the fields across the street. Robert Bateman prints fill his beige walls. His daybook prioritizes time with Annie, but ensures that curling bonspiels and fishing times with his buddies are included.
Both in their seventies, they have created a warm and loving relationship that balances independence with togetherness. They reserve weekends for each other, a mid-week cycle or hike, and travel adventures. Daily texts and phone calls allow them to be part of each other’s lives. They both agree they have the best of both worlds and have found a way to rediscover the joy of romance and the pleasure of a flourishing relationship.
“It’s the anticipation of time together always being exciting,” says Richard. “We’ve found a way to keep the sizzle.”
Their respective adult children are pleased they have each found someone who makes them happy.
What Richard and Annie have chosen is a creative way to achieve intimacy and autonomy within a relationship known as LAT – Living Apart Together. Defining the idea of LAT can be a difficult task. Most sociologists define it as a romantic, monogamous relationship between partners who live at different addresses but consider themselves a couple and are recognized as such by others.
It’s far more than “friends with benefits.” In a LAT relationship, partners remain committed to each other, share a sexual relationship and emotional connectedness but, at the same time, retain individual autonomy. There’s no set formula for a LAT relationship and there are many ways of living apart together.
Annie and Richard are only one couple from an emerging trend of non-traditional ways to form a long-term commitment.
Jim and Penny are an example of a mature couple in a LAT relationship. Eight years ago, when Jim was new to Victoria and newly divorced, he joined a walking club. He hoped he may find like-minded folk and possibly companionship with a woman.
Penny, who had been on her own for several years, was Jim’s walking “buddy” on his first walk with the club. The attraction was immediate. They found themselves easy and comfortable with each other and the relationship developed quickly. They both wanted an exclusive partnership, a travelling companion and a nurturing relationship.
Penny loves to quilt and garden and Jim is a prolific reader and community volunteer. They talked about living together but decided that each keeping a separate place and maximizing their time together was what they wanted.
“It works for both of us,” says Jim. “We have a measured understanding that this is good. It’s a perfect set up.”
Only a 10-minute walk from each other, they have settled into a pattern and see each other most days, including shared meals. They recognize they are in a privileged position to be able to maintain two places, take annual trips together and go camping, and to be each other’s best friend.
Jim, in his mid-seventies and Penny several years younger, have talked about the possibility of change, if one or the other develops health concerns. They have agreed they will support each other and trust they will find a way to adapt, if the time comes.
Another LAT relationship has provided a second chance for a couple who had been in a troubled traditional relationship. Jennifer, a retired teacher and grandmother of four, and her husband, Paul have redefined what a committed relationship can be.
For over 25 years, Jennifer had been married to Paul, but had found living with him restraining. She had become increasingly convinced she needed to be on her own. Although Paul disagreed, they eventually separated with the idea of permanently ending their marriage. He went on to date other women, but always felt the pull back to Jennifer.
After two years of separation, they began to see each other again and realized they missed each other and that, over the years, they had created a deeply meaningful relationship. They renewed their vows to each other.
Now, each has their own condominium close by, share weekends and take holidays together. Jennifer believes she has the secret to happiness – love and independence, and Paul has come to see the benefits of this arrangement.
Sidebar
Growing numbers of midlife women and men are choosing a lifestyle option for relationships – Living Apart Together, sometimes known as LAT, where partners live separately. In the 2010 Canadian Surveys and Statistics, only 14 percent of older women said their most important reason for dating was to find someone to live with or marry, compared to 22 percent of men.
These couples want to have romantic long-term relationships, but they do not want their partners to live under the same roof. It’s not that they don’t want to be emotionally close to their partner but, rather, they want a degree of independence in the relationship and a level of psychological and physical space. They feel connected and secure in a relationship that is without the need to be constantly together and inseparable.
Older couples choose LAT for a vast array of reasons. Some engage in this arrangement having weathered tempestuous failed relationships that they speculate may have succeeded, if only they had never lived together. Some just know they aren’t suited to the traditional pattern of cohabitation. Many pressures work to influence these decisions: past relationships, parental or filial responsibilities, housing realities, and personal interior design preferences.
Retired couples may fear boredom, decreased access to children or grandchildren, decisions around what to keep or not keep and concerns about inheritance. They may have built up important networks of friends and community connections, over the years, that they may not want to lose by moving elsewhere. The desire for financial autonomy and chosen lifestyle keep them from letting go of their own residences while being part of a couple.
Gender differences for choosing a LAT are apparent. Gerontologists note that Canadian women in their sixties are realistically re-evaluating traditional marriage and cohabitation. By the time women reach their mid-sixties, many experience a degree of freedom they never had while working and raising children. Women who find themselves on their own either through divorce or widowhood, and who want to be in an emotional and sexually committed relationship, are beginning to realize they can still experience freedom and be in a relationship. Older women, in particular, fear they may end up as a caregiver for an aging partner or suffer an unequal distribution of household tasks.
Men, too, are exploring relationships. Not that long ago, many senior men, who found themselves single through divorce or widowhood, were looking for a caregiver, someone to cook their meals, iron their clothes and look after them if they became ill. They feared growing old alone. Some contemporary men have challenged gender roles, are healthier and live longer, have healthy libidos and easy access to performance enhancing drugs. They’ve developed skills to live independently. At the same time, they want the companionship of a woman and the emotional and sexual intimacy of a committed relationship.
Living Apart Together relationships aren’t for every couple. They offer, however, a choice. It’s about challenging traditional ways of being together and asking, “What is right for me? What is best for us? What is the best way for us to be in a relationship?”
For those who want both independence and intimacy, LAT offers not only a way to balance and shape their lives, but also a way to keep romance alive.
Linda Breault and co-editor Dianne Gillespie of Victoria have gathered tales of couples across North America who have chosen LAT relationships. Their book Living Apart Together – A New Possibility for Loving Couples is available through FriesenPress, Amazon, Chapters/Indigo, Book Depository and in Victoria at UVic Bookstore, Russell Books, Munro’s, and Ivy’s Bookshop; in Duncan at Volume One and Ten Old Books.
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