By the time they were 22 and 28, respectively, my mom and dad were headed for divorce court after five years of marriage and two children. It was not a happy time, but the next 50 years would prove – to me, at least – that they never stopped loving each other. I know my dad loved my mom; he told me so, and he called her every one of those 50 years on their wedding anniversary (among other times). My mom would be less forthcoming, but I know she cared about him, too. Why else would she attend his last wedding, his last Father’s Day celebration, and visit him in his long-term care home days before he took his final breath?
So, when it came to my divorce, I looked to my parents as the example by which I wanted my own path to unfold. My first husband, Mike, must have, too, since he had no examples in his family by which to model. None. Not one.
It could have gone differently. We could have modeled society’s norm, the media’s norm, popular culture’s norm, and even other members of my family’s norm. But we consciously made the decision that we would carry the same love and respect from our marriage throughout our uncoupling. Afterall, we have a daughter to model for and it’s what we both desired.
Why does it go so differently for others?
I’m not going to delve into the legal and financial implications of divorce or relationship breakdown because they are secondary to the emotional toll. In fact, emotions are what drive the bus and make lawyers wealthier. Think about it, if you and your spouse were to approach your divorce with emotional intelligence, you’d want an equitable distribution of assets and to ensure each other felt safe and at peace.
Instead, many people would rather give the bulk of their shared wealth to the legal system than their former beloved. How did we get here? And why do we choose to model bad behaviour – especially when children are involved?
WHY MARRIAGES BREAK DOWN
Every relationship has two components: the emotional decision and the transaction. As clinical as that word feels, every relationship is transactional. I give you something, you give me something in return. That’s a transaction. That’s a relationship. So, what often happens in marriages is that either one or both components collapse.
For my parents and me, the transactional component of our marriages crumbled. So, while the love and caring were stable, the transaction around needs and wants faltered. This is largely about compatibility. You can love your partner to the moon and back, but if you are not compatible, it will either end the relationship or one or both of you will live an unfulfilled life ’til death do you part.
No matter the reason, when our core relationship ruptures, we go through a range of emotions: shock, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, bitterness, fear, and others. And we go through many of these feelings even if we are the one initiating the split.
The problem arises when we don’t allow ourselves to move through the emotions and accept them as part of the process. We get stuck. Every time we think about and talk about the breakup, we are creating a neural pathway in our brains. We can even get addicted to the response of our sympathetic nervous system and crave that heightened feeling of stress. Eventually, the neural pathway develops into a rut known as the psychological refractory period, meaning we have difficulty jumping out of that well-worn trench and emotionally moving on.
We need not search for evidence to justify our feelings and nurture our victim consciousness. Our brains are so efficient they will seek out validation in our environment through the reticular activating system that “all men cheat” or “marriages don’t last” or “I’m doomed to be alone” or any number of other programs you choose to fuel it. This feedback loop is why unconscious cynicism around divorce is pervasive in our society.
The emotions we experience around the conclusion of a long-term relationship vary by person and situation. But we all feel something. That’s human. The challenge then becomes, “how do I want to experience this?” I don’t think anyone goes into marriage planning how they intend to cope with their divorce. Maybe we should.
Divorce is the death of relationship, so we must navigate it with a similar grieving process. Our culture’s current narrative around divorce doesn’t allow individuals to move through and process each stage. Instead, many people get stuck in the “anger” phase. You know someone like this. I know someone like this. Years later, after each partner has “moved on” and remarried, the anger lingers.
Why?
We often allow our inner child to run the show. We react instead of responding. So, one spouse’s inner child attacks the other spouse’s inner child. Without being fully conscious of it, we’re back in the dynamic of childhood: “Don’t call your sister a poopoo-head.” “She called me a poopoo-head, first!” And on it goes. But instead of mom mediating the battle, some divorce attorneys (not all) do it with ferocity. If ever there was a time to be more conscious, this is it!
A NEW WAY FORWARD
Conscious uncoupling is not simply a buzzword for the rich and famous. And it’s only one decision away. To start, focus inward and ask yourself, “What is my desired outcome?” At first, a public flogging of your onetime sweetheart may cross your mind. That’s okay, write it down. And then reach for a better outcome. Keep doing this until you arrive somewhere that feels good – for you, your former partner, and others. It could take several attempts. That’s okay, too.
When doing this exercise, think about how you want to model for your children and grandchildren. You don’t really want to cause undue stress over how to navigate “militant factions” at graduations, weddings, family celebrations or calamities do you?
Maybe your former spouse isn’t a helluva nice gal or guy, like mine. But there must be something that drew you in initially, some redeeming qualities. Focus on those now. You set the standard for the relationship you want post-marriage. You lead yourself with grace and emotional maturity and those around you will follow your lead. Eventually.
Love is not an emotion. It is a decision. A decision we make every day of our marriages and one we can continue to make long after they end. After we signed the divorce papers at our shared lawyer’s office, Mike and I stood by our cars saying goodbye. “I love you,” I said. “I love you, too,” he replied. “Always have, always will.” That, my friend, is a decision. Hate is a decision. Bitterness is also a decision. So, decide what you want – regardless of what’s going on around you – and step into it.
The end of a love story is almost always sad. But we can do sad. One of the things I’m most proud of in my life is the incredible relationship I continue to have with Mike nine years after we separated. He is an important part of my story, my life, and my family. Forever. And my second husband regularly welcomes him into our home because he follows my lead.
How will those around you follow yours?
Bobbie Jo Reid is a painter, a life coach, and the editor of INSPIRED Magazine.
Note: The views expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher.
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