“Sure, Mom, I’ll help.” As soon as the words left her mouth, Mary thought, “I do not have the time or energy for this. Why did I agree to help?”
Sometimes we reply to requests on autopilot. Other times, we feel emotionally tied to a situation. For some, guilt is a guiding force and before giving thought to what might be involved in agreeing, a Yes slips out.
Setting boundaries and being resilient go hand in hand for caregivers. It’s about recognizing the importance of one’s life, family, meaningful purpose, work – and striving towards caregiving within those limits. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a dedication to care. Rather, boundaries are a sign of self-respect and allow caregivers to continue caring with compassion and devotion and not feel lost or swallowed up by the caregiving role.
Healthy boundaries let caregivers maintain an emotional connection to the person they are caring for without the negative results of feeling they “need” to rescue, enable, fix, or control. Boundaries allow caregivers to love and care for someone while accepting personal responsibility for their own actions.
Tips for Setting Boundaries
- Whose issue is this? Is it yours? Your other family member? The person you are caring for? If you can figure out why you allow it or why you struggle to set a clear boundary, then you have the option to change it.
- Know how it feels when a boundary is crossed: For example, feeling discomfort and resentment are warning signs we are out of sync with ourselves and our boundaries. If it feels you are being taken advantage of or not being appreciated, it may be a signal you are pushing yourself too much. Maybe the person we are caring for is imposing their expectations, views or values on us. When someone acts in a way that results in feelings of discomfort for you, they may be crossing a boundary.
- Caring within a boundary: Managing your role as a caregiver can start with determining what area of care only you can fulfill. It can also include listing your physical, emotional, and mental limits. Ask yourself if someone else can meet the care recipient or person’s needs? This is also a critical part of contingency planning. Discuss your limits with those in your caregiving circle and the person you are caring for (where possible) and try to find other options.
- Give yourself permission. Taking care of yourself and setting boundaries are usually in direct conflict with feelings of guilt, fear or self-doubt. Caregivers may feel they “should” be able to cope with a situation even when they feel their boundaries are being violated. Putting your oxygen mask on first gives you the energy and perspective to better handle your role as caregiver.
Above all else – be kind to yourself. It takes courage and practice to set boundaries and stay the course.
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Wendy Johnstone is a Gerontologist and a consultant with Family Caregivers of British Columbia in Victoria, BC.